Pretty much, I hate celebrities. That's not too bold to say, because I mean there's a lot of people I hate. I mean I hate people who live on either coast. I mean that just has to be the stupidest place to live. "Hey, I live on the coast." Oh, that's really something. Great. Alright. Well, let's just get on with this part of the magazine.
I send e-mail to all kinds of celebrities when I find their supposed e-mail addresses. Then, on occassion, they'll send me back replies. Most of the time the response is bland and contains no nouns. So I don't print the bulk of what I receive. I hate that. But I've been getting some e-mail from celebrities that is of exceedingly fine craftsmanship. I wish I could talk Spanish.
Now, I don't know if these letters are coming from the actual celebrities. There's no possible way I can verify that without having to meet them and I would hate that. So, please keep in mind that these letters may be coming from a living, thinking, typing spiral staircase. If this is the situation, then please answer this question Mister Spiral Staircase, if you do indeed live: Could I climb on top of you and ride you into the ocean, where we could meet mighty Poseidon and become slaves to the water?
My favorite e-mail response is this one, which I received from one of the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers. I found their addresses when I was preparing to write this column and so I sent them all messages that looked much like this:
To: email@example.com From: firstname.lastname@example.org Subject: The future I know you guys are putting out this big blockbuster movie and things are going pretty good for you, but is this what you're planning on doing for a while? I mean is this what you call being the 'breadwinner' of the family? I think you are pathetic and I hope this e-mail changes your mind about a lot of things. You have a big, big problem and apparently you're doing nothing to solve it. Hey, come check out Soccer Riot Magazine at http://members.tripod.com/soccer_riot
Now that I look back on that letter, I kind of feel bad about it. I was pretty rude to the blue ranger and that last line was pretty cocky to stick in there. But, I pretty much hate the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers. And when I got the response, I just kind of thought, "These guys are just stupid."
To: email@example.com From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Billy) Subject: What it's like being a Mighty Morphin Power Ranger It's morphin' time! Tommy, you take him from the side! Tyrannosaurus! Pterydactyl! Triceratops! I'm Billy, the Blue Ranger, and I would like to issue you a personal assignment to join Rocky, Kimberley, and I as we morph into the White Tigerzord Thunderzord! Eat your vitamins and go skyward into the future! Thanks for watching our program, Why! Signed, Billy (the Blue Ranger)
I was kind of hoping that I wouldn't get a ton of responses like that. I mean you can tell it's just a form letter that some guy who is obviously not the blue ranger filled out. I guess I didn't get very many like that letter. For instance, I'm not a big Tom Clancy fan, but I found his e-mail address (which is easy to find) and I sent him a letter to congratulate him on success.
To: email@example.com From: firstname.lastname@example.org Subject: Good job My dad really loves your stuff. I think he read Red Storm Rising and loved it. Well, good luck in the future, On-line cannabalism at http://members.tripod.com/soccer_riot
I felt good sending a nice, little message. But tell me what you think about his answer.
To: email@example.com From: firstname.lastname@example.org Subject: Re: Good job You don't understand the human predicament. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- TOM CLANCY (email@example.com) | "Much will be said and written about these THE THIRD WORLD WAR | events in years to come, as further sources THE UNTOLD STORY | come to light and further thought is given THE SEVENTH TRIBUTE | to this momentous passage in the history AAFCE | of our world" -- Sidgwick & Jackson ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I could understand if he said that to somebody like Howie Mandel, who is screwed and really doesn'ty understand the phrase "human predicament." But, all I said was, "Hey, Clancy, my dad likes your book." And he says, "You don't understand--" Anyway, I'm kind of mad about that letter and so I've sent him a bunch of flames. I don't know. Maybe I don't understand the human predicament.
Well, I'm going to move to one of my favorite exchanges of e-mail. I found at www.nbc.com a list of various e-mail addresses and home pages of their actors. For instance, I found the e-mail address of Wayne Knight, who played Newman on NBC's Seinfeld, which is a very good program mostly. Here's the letter I sent him:
To: firstname.lastname@example.org From: email@example.com Subject: Hearing test Wayne, what kind of music do you listen to? http://members.tripod.com/soccer_riot is now allowing important patrons into its underground dojo.
To tell the truth, this message was sent because I was honestly curious. I love all kinds of music and I collect a lot of different kinds of music. I love records and oldies. I love compact discs and alternative. So, I did not write this message for this column. This message was something I was really wondering.
To: firstname.lastname@example.org From: email@example.com Subject: Music I Like I really enjoy Mary Chapin Carpenter. My favorite song on that album is "Passionate Kisses." Also, I like James Taylor. Have you heard "Frozen Man"? I think that's his best song. So, I guess you hate me now. I suppose it's not right anyway. Wayne Knight - 71054,2032 (Compuserve) - Howard Stern - Fran Drescher - Friends +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
This just made me feel awful. I mean here's a celebrity I actually like. Not only that, but I love James Taylor. I have almost all of his albums. I admit that I don't like Mary Chapin Carpenter. I'm not sure what "Passionate Kisses" is, so I'm not going to say whether or not I like it. Maybe she has a song that I might like. But, then he says that I probably hate him. Now what kind of e-mail is this? See, the thing I've got to remember is that I don't know who is writing the e-mail. I don't know if it's Wayne Knight.
I'm pretty sure this next one came from the person it claims to come from. I found the e-mail address to Unsolved Mysteries, so I sent a message to Robert Stack, because I hate him. I think he's an idiot. So I just made up a stupid story.
To: firstname.lastname@example.org From: email@example.com Subject: Robert Stack THIS MESSAGE MUST GET TO ROBERT STACK. I KNOW THIS E-MAIL ADDRESS IS A SERVER, SO PLEASE UNDERSTAND THAT I AM A UNITED STATES CITIZEN AND HAVE AS MUCH RIGHT TO SPEAK TO MR. STACK AS ANY NBC EXECUTIVE. PLEASE FORWARD THIS TO ROBERT STACK. PLEASE. Mr. Stack, I know your show is always looking for people who have their own, personal unsolved mysteries to solve. I am no exception. I was visited by an alien craft in June. On the twenty-forth of June. The alien ship looked like a giant peanut butter cookie. Previous to the visitation, I hated that sort of cookie, but now I love peanut butter cookies. Can you connect me with others who have been visited by these sorts of space friends? --Why. Education collides with secrecy at http://members.tripod.com/soccer_riot
I tried this tactic alot. I add a little header there that talks all about how THIS MESSAGE IS REALLY IMPORTANT PLEASE PROCESS and like that. So, naturally, I got a message back from the server about a week and a half later.
To: firstname.lastname@example.org From: email@example.com Subject: Re: Robert Stack I manage this server and have not had the opportunity to let Robert Stack read what his fans would like to say to him. I have put your request in his box at an attempt to let him know about your predicament. Please be patient. Jesse Beus Manager - UNSOLVED@NBC.COM SoundBits from Unsolved Mysteries can be attained at: FTP to FTP.ESKIMO.COM DIR: /U/UNSOLVED/SOUNDS
Now that's a decent server message. Most servers say, "Robert has read your message and complimented you with kudos from everyone at Unsolved Mysteries. He will be adding your e-mail to a personal collection of his favorite messages from the information superhighway." But, this server seemed honest and I was a little surprised to hear from Robert Stack the very next day.
To: firstname.lastname@example.org From: email@example.com Subject: Alien Visitation i find your story intrsting. >i flew to a city out by colorado spring s where a woman tolf me she had been visited by creatures who looked like breadsticks. say are you related to francis gillett who wrote that play about the kids who never slept and lived in wyoming. i used to love that play because i lived in wyoming for a short time. >thanks for yuor story. have you been to the planet crystalus rob stack
The bulk of the letter is pretty casual and unusual, but its the last sentence that made me laugh. "Have you been to the planet Crystalus?" I wonder where that is? That guy is really dumb. What a wierd message. But, I respect him for answering my e-mail and I hope to have better responses for next week. I don't understand the human predicament.
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