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Adventure of The Apple's Mom

One of the most amazing things to ever happen in Peru happened to a monkey, an adorable, little trained female monkey, the property of one Emilio DeBuana. Emilio truly loved his pet monkey--I mean this animal had such a fantastic smile and huge pearly eyes.

But, see here: this monkey's life was suddenly tossed upside-down when she gave birth to an apple, well-polished with a squinty and agonized male face. The monkey worked hard to give the little apple a proper life, frantically soothing it and swaddling it in hot towels, breast-feeding it, but it was often inconsolable, moaning deeply night and morning.

The monkey, once so happy and frolicsome, now found her life to be miserable. The crispy apricot leaves which had once made so her so ecstatic and backflippy, now dissolved in her pockets no thanks to the erosive stains left where the apple had soiled. She also could not count with her fingers, which crossed over themselves, perplexing the eyes. Everything had been cursed, had been smitten by the apple's constant foul language. Her bookcase was even eaten by flies!

So she planned her escape one night. She folded an origami tortilla airplane. She got inside. She set a course for the North Pole. And she sailed off the top of Mt. Abalacion.

This left Emilio with custody of the apple. He planned to poison the apple or set a worm upon it. These plans did not come to fruition. He simply panicked and offered the apple some chewing tobacco, which the apple man gladly chomped down on with blocky porcelain teeth and the two made their days in a lazy trance on the front stoop, filling up spittoons and rolling bottles to each other and hitting dogs with slingshots.

The monkey's airplane eventually landed on a distant moon, a very fragile moon, delicate as an egg shell dipped in a mixture of thyme leaves and coconut milk. In fact, her plane had a very sharp nose which pricked a hole in the light shell of the moon. The inhabitants of other nearby planets had called it Nordium--which is to say The Best Ball. Now, after the plane crash, it was renamed Jenny, which translates Ruined For Everyone.

For over a decade, the monkey sat stranded, managing to subsist on the milk fuzz inside the hollow moon. Oh, and tortilla. In time, a technician from the phone company dropped in to set the monkey up with basic cable and call waiting. He told her to hit the TALK button twice to click over to call waiting, but I swear she managed to hang up on every single monkey that tried to call.

by why the lucky stiff

august 1, 2007